Sunday, August 29, 2010
♥
I hate to be alone and i hate the moon.The moon makes me think about things which apparently i dont want to think about and it would make me do things that are absurd.
I used to feel that i've always been the one trying and giving in.But after today,i realised that,i was wrong.I'm not a good friend and i dont know how to manage my time and friends.I would neglect certain people around me once in a while and im really very sorry.I didn't mean to do this to you.I know you've been suffering alone silently,im utterly sorry.I dont know what else to say besides sorry.I'm such a bad person,i dont know how to think before i speak,i dont know how to put myself in someone else's shoes.I dont know how to think in other perspective.I feel so stupid.I'm already 17 and i still dont know how to think for myself and others.
I feel like im such a failure in life.I can't study well,I dont know how to balance my cycle of friends,i gave up on my piano after grade 4 and I stopped singing class after 3 years of training.What am i doing?Just what do i want?I really don't know what i want.
sometimes,i feel that i go for singing class for nothing.Like so what if i join competitions and all,does it help?Like as if i would really be a singer.Thats all bullshit dreams and dreams dont come true and would never come true.I really thought of going over to korea for SM training and whatever shit when i knew that i was posted to rp with such a lousy course.But yeah,i got into Np instead.I really dont know what i live for.I mean,seriously,whats the point of living?Whats the point of me being here?I dont have a goal in life and i can't be bothered about the things around me.i really dont know what to do to help myself.I dont even know what i wanna be when i grow up.Whatever that i want are just dreams.Whats the point of having a dream when it wont even come true?
And its really silly of me to let this shit affect me so much.It made me shut myself away from my friends.I dont really tell any of them my problems anymore because im so sick,so sick of telling them the same thing thats making me cry.Im so darn sick of crying over the same damn thing again and again.But i just can't control,i cant stop myself.And i also dont wanna tell anyone cause they all have their own problems,i really dont want anyone to dwell over my problems cause its all so stupid.I really wanna forget everything.I can't take it anymore,i would really go nuts one day if this goes on.i can't sleep well at all,AT ALL.I sleep at 6am almost everyday.I have to make my eyeballs burn so i can sleep.Even if i dont breakdown mentally,my body would.
This is probably karma.I really think its karma,retribution i guess.
But seriously...when is this going to end?I'm so tired,im really very very very tired.
Then,up to here-
And something to make this post slightly cheerful,I got a new bunny and its still nameless.Oh,and its a boy.Really hope it would live well.
I used to feel that i've always been the one trying and giving in.But after today,i realised that,i was wrong.I'm not a good friend and i dont know how to manage my time and friends.I would neglect certain people around me once in a while and im really very sorry.I didn't mean to do this to you.I know you've been suffering alone silently,im utterly sorry.I dont know what else to say besides sorry.I'm such a bad person,i dont know how to think before i speak,i dont know how to put myself in someone else's shoes.I dont know how to think in other perspective.I feel so stupid.I'm already 17 and i still dont know how to think for myself and others.
I feel like im such a failure in life.I can't study well,I dont know how to balance my cycle of friends,i gave up on my piano after grade 4 and I stopped singing class after 3 years of training.What am i doing?Just what do i want?I really don't know what i want.
sometimes,i feel that i go for singing class for nothing.Like so what if i join competitions and all,does it help?Like as if i would really be a singer.Thats all bullshit dreams and dreams dont come true and would never come true.I really thought of going over to korea for SM training and whatever shit when i knew that i was posted to rp with such a lousy course.But yeah,i got into Np instead.I really dont know what i live for.I mean,seriously,whats the point of living?Whats the point of me being here?I dont have a goal in life and i can't be bothered about the things around me.i really dont know what to do to help myself.I dont even know what i wanna be when i grow up.Whatever that i want are just dreams.Whats the point of having a dream when it wont even come true?
And its really silly of me to let this shit affect me so much.It made me shut myself away from my friends.I dont really tell any of them my problems anymore because im so sick,so sick of telling them the same thing thats making me cry.Im so darn sick of crying over the same damn thing again and again.But i just can't control,i cant stop myself.And i also dont wanna tell anyone cause they all have their own problems,i really dont want anyone to dwell over my problems cause its all so stupid.I really wanna forget everything.I can't take it anymore,i would really go nuts one day if this goes on.i can't sleep well at all,AT ALL.I sleep at 6am almost everyday.I have to make my eyeballs burn so i can sleep.Even if i dont breakdown mentally,my body would.
This is probably karma.I really think its karma,retribution i guess.
But seriously...when is this going to end?I'm so tired,im really very very very tired.
Then,up to here-
And something to make this post slightly cheerful,I got a new bunny and its still nameless.Oh,and its a boy.Really hope it would live well.
