I feel so alone and lonely. I feel like i just lost a friend, all over again. I can't stop crying. This is killing me slowly inside. I hate myself for being so fucking weak and useless. Why can't i just be normal? I have the strong urge to hurt myself, to cut myself. to bruise myself. I wanna kill myself, i wanna leave this world.This is too much for me to handle. I hate being alone but thats what i am now. The only friend who knows about everything isn't caring as much, i feel so heart broken. I just hope i have someone to talk to, someone to cry to, someone to confide to. I hate myself, I hate how i look, how i talk, how i respond to people. I used to just hate how i look, but now i even hate who i am. I hate everything about myself. I hope i had the courage to end my life. Someone, please give me the courage and strength to do it. I want the easy way out. I don't want to fight this battle anymore. Please take my life away.




one day, one day i'll have the courage to do it.


i've always wondered how it feels like to let someone go, how it feels like to forget someone but i guess i sorta know how it feels like now. though we are still together, but this break thingy is killing me. I cant stop crying, literally. my eyes are so swollen, my nose is blocked half the time, i just cant breath.sometimes i really hate myself for being such a cry baby. i need to learn to stop crying.why am i so vulnerable as usual ?


What happened to us? Why are we so different now ? Why cant we talk like how we used to? Did i take the wrong step to let you into my life ?I gave you a chance, i gave myself a chance, i gave us a chance.But it seems like nothing is working out. So many things have changed. You blame me for being so defensive and bitchy now, but ask yourself , why am i like this now ? Why?
Recently, everything seems like im the one at fault, im the bad guy. And yes, most of time, i am. But then again, ask yourself, why? Im just scarred and im trying to protect myself from getting hurt again. Its not a good thing that im like this now, of couse i know that but i just cant help it. No one is there to help me, to guide me through everything. No one is there to completely understand things from my point of view.All i want is just someone to pamper me, to give in to me at the right time and to teach me nicely. You're teaching me in the harsh way .I've learnt everything myself and i've depended on myself to get to this stage of our relationship. Nobody taught me how to be a good girlfriend, no one taught me how to statisfy you and your expectations. And you know damn right, how difficult you are. I know i am difficult too, but i dont expect a lot from you, do i?
your words are like knives everytime we are in an argument, you put me down so much ,you hurt me like as if you dont care. And sometimes, i am really convinced that you dont give a damn about me, y'know that ?Sometimes,i just ask myself " is it worth it to stay? Is it worth it to let a guy hurt you like this? " But im not leaving and i didnt leave cause i love you so fucking much and i know thats not the real you, cause i trust you.But do you?
you'd take major offense in almost everything i do and say, i really dont know what to do anymore. I dont know what to do with myself so i can please you.
Do you even take into consideration that this is the first time im in a relationship? Do you? And you're my first boyfriend,YOU.A guy thats fucking deep and smart that made me feel so inferior. And you expect me to learn from all your harsh comments.I really wish that we would be like how we used to. midnight calls everynight, talking about life without me feeling uncomfortable and inferior.But i doubt that can happen again at the rate we are going.
Is it time to let go,honey? I really dont know, sometimes i feel that we might not be the one for each other, but i just cant bear to leave you. i cant believe i love you so fucking much ,im willing to suffer in silence unless you do something about it.I hope you see this someday, but i doubt so cause you probably wouldnt even remember that i have this blog. Am i right?

Im losing hope every single time we quarrel.I'm so tired, im drained. I need a getaway. I need you to understand, I need you.


I just realized that I don't know what I wanna do with my life. I dont know what I can do in the future. What do I wanna be? What is my dream
Job? What do I wanna work as ?
I have no idea. I'm not good at anything. I can't do programming. I can't really do business shit. I love science, but I suck at it. What can i do? Practically, nothing.
Whats wrong with me? Why am I such a failure in life? I didn't even accomplish anything.
I suck at studying now. I'm not as sociable as I was, I'm stubborn and i don't know about so many things. What can I do with myself?
I feel like I'm letting my parents down. I hope for the world to end now. I don't even think I would have the capability to earn a living in the future. I have no future.


In a blink of an eye, its already 2011.It still feels like as if im in secondary school being all crazy and fun.heh , i kinda miss those days.It has been a year and lots of things have changed.I have new characters in my life now,and also,some of the old ones left.I guess some people just come and go in life :/Im not even sure if im really ready for all these changes.I keep thinking im 16 when im actually turning 18 this year.

Yeah,its true that lots of things have changed but i do like one of the changes in my life; Its that i'm really glad that i've found someone whom i love more than i actually thought i would. Its a kind of bliss i guess.Even though he may be kinda difficult at times but i think its okay,its probably one of the obstacles god gave me.heh^^Imagine if everything for me is gonna be so smooth and fine,its gonna be freaking boring i swear.So yeah,im glad :D

I've never missed someone so much before and its kinda miserable D: but its okay,at least its not an one-sided kind of thing,right?haha i think im quite a lucky and fortunate girl,heee ^^
Sometimes it just feels like a dream.So perfect and ideal till i cant believe its true.Its too good to be true,it makes me feel scared at times :/ What if i wake up one day,and poof,everything is gone?Im really afraid of that D: Im afraid of losing whatever that i have now.I dont even know why i have such insecurities.I would just wanna make sure that everything is in place once in a while.I guess that's the only way to fix my insecurity issue.
Even though im really afraid of getting hurt and all,but there is always a firsts to everything right? :) I just need to explore and gain more experiences along the way,i guess? heh :)

Then,up to here-


I just realised that i've been crying a lot lately :/ Crying is so tiring ,i dont wanna cry anymore.I seriously hate the fact that im always feeling so emotional and all.It seriously sucks to the core.I just wanna be 15 again,when everything was so perfect with all my friends.

Majesta
1st July 93
Singing♥
Claying♥
Green♥
Surprises♥


Tumblr ☆
Twitter ☆


Dislike me?Leave then.



I have to admit that i'm someone very emotional and sensitive.
I love my pets a lot especially my dearest dog,Happy♥ I hope he could turn into a prince when i kiss him so he can be my cute guy♥♥
Happy is the best dog ever,i love him more than anything so please dont take him away.
I'm retarded and lame so i might irritate people at times,heehee:)
Most of all,I hate liars.



Happy boy :D

Waffles baby :)

Jiujiu- Skinny and Fatty :]

Bluto<3

The usuals<3

The Pohtengs<3




RAWR!!! LIZARDS
Tomatoes
Carrots
Liars
The moon
Chocoxbaby
Scrolling code Certain Codes